Sunday, August 8, 2010

New Normal

I'm missing my dad so much right now. Like someone sticking pins in me, someone standing on my heart, a ringing in my ears, a sharp catch in my breath, a throbbing behind my eyes.

This is how I feel every day. It feels like I will feel this way forever.

Here is a secret: I'm still waiting for him to come back. I can't give up. I don't want to.

Another secret: I'm thinking about my dad ALL THE TIME - when I'm talking to you, when I'm buying groceries, when I'm working, when I'm reading, when I'm dancing and laughing. He is sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear.

The best thing I can do when I miss him is look at my feet, my eyes, my hands. The same feet, eyes, hands that I loved. His eyes looking back at me in the mirror - can you still see me, Daddy? Are you out there somewhere?

I feel like I can't live the rest of my life without seeing you again, feeling your arms around me, hearing your voice. Every time I go to church I light a candle for you and hope that somehow you can come back to me. I miss you too much. Please, please, please . . .