I don't have a ton of time to explain this right now, but I wanted to mark the day somehow, and I'll write more later.
I feel better. Something happened yesterday; something cracked open in me. I found my father. I think he's been there the whole time, just waiting for me to see him. That's why I thought he was coming back. Spring is coming, the world is new, and I've found the door to the place where my father lives now. Everything he is, everything he was, all the love he gave me and everything I gave to him - it's all still there. Maybe the only way we could be together again was for him to be released from his body. I've been so upset about that old broken body - what happened to it, where is it, will I ever know, etc. - but my father wasn't his body. His love for me wasn't contained in any vessel. Yes, I want to see him, feel him, hear him again, but I have to let go of that. I think he wants me to move on and find him where he is now. Finally, I think I'm ready to do that. All I have to do is open my hands. Just let go.
So many times lately, I feel like I'm being led somewhere with my eyes squeezed shut, holding my breath, just feeling my way, stumbling a little, someone tugging me gently forward. I stand there with my eyes closed, still thinking about the place I was before, and then I open my eyes and I'm standing in a new world and I've been there all along, afraid to look around.